Wordpress. I go back to thee.
Wordpress. I go back to thee.
13 years of friendship and I sometimes get her last name wrong. But her consistency has always assured me of a love and friendship beyond cognitive reasoning.
Finding the balance between
“ Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I’ve been through - use it for Your glory ”
The weight of these lyrics just took a whole new level of meaning as of late.
(Parents & me, Mongolia 2012).
Walking hand in hand in hand to morning prayer in the wee hours of the early morning with all and every layer bundled up. Enjoying a warm cup of coffee post-prayer and singing songs on our way to start the day. Sharing testimonies and cheers-ing over coffee, wine, water, whatever is at hand. Sitting side by side by side and watching our favorite TV shows with tea and some fruit. Daily morning kakaos. Watching me laugh at my own lame jokes. Being in awe, greatly dumbfounded of how He defies what makes sense in the natural. Going deeper than deep, hand in hand in hand.
“ 33 things to do, i have zero ability to do those thingys, pray is the only thing to do…1 + 0 = 33 ”
Mommy Cho’s old tweet from 2010.
Isn’t it funny how God answers prayers?
Well, there is never a uniform way that He does. But this time around, He answered my prayer that I had assumed to be far-fetched - immersed in frustration and coated with doubt. A one-word question: why?
Because I concluded the question to be far-fetched, I left it there. Without expecting an answer and mere emotions rising and falling in ebbs & flows. But as a thinker, a “melancholy,” an INFJ, my thoughts were muted with an unending song belting from me. For reasons of which I do not know, I had a constant tune on my lip and song on my heart. I croaked from the crack of dawn (& waking up everyone at home) to the hallways at school (whilst shamelessly bumping into my professor).
And that’s when He answered my prayer. A prayer that had been tossed to the back corner of my brain because the forefront was occupied in praising Him. Worshiping Him. It was on an early Saturday morning when I was actually praying for someone else. But God pieced together all this past month’s worth of happenings, words, conversations and it puzzled into an enormous whole. An enormity of which He had held back until I was able to see it. Able to stomach it. Able to understand it. He guided me slowly, at my very own pace and when I demanded an answer He patiently gave a song on my lips. And when my heart was at a place of worship, He answered me. Clearly. It is terrifying but beautiful. Isn’t that how God is? Making the seemingly mutually exclusive, contradictory an actually beautiful whole?
When I think about my dad, I oftentimes think of the gaze he lovingly gives me while I’m chatting away at the dinner table. I imagine his face held that same gaze the day I was born and he held me in his arms. I didn’t do anything at that point. I was simply born, and yet his face said it all.
When I think about my God, I think of Him as my Lord who is faithful, King who reigns, Savior of grace and mercy, and Father who is sovereign. These days, my heart is softening to my God as Daddy. A daddy who gazes at me lovingly and simply loves me as me, before I even did anything.
For the past 7 weeks, I was a fifth wheel. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. All jokes aside, I really did. Because I was the fifth wheel, I had the luxury to take a step back and take mental notes. Take a step back and appreciate, get all heart ache-y (the good kind). My heart tends to do that a lot these days - get all heart ache-y. Anyway, here are lessons I’ve learned from the field.
- It’s not simply about passively understanding and accepting your spouse’s passions and interests. It’s about actively engaging, going against the grain and learning. Risking looking/sounding like a fool to be fully and entirely there. To be there with them. It’s about subscribing to a magazine you would’ve never subscribed to, reading a book you would’ve automatically gleaned over, and putting aside your ideal day off to be all there with them.
- It’s not about meeting midpoint but dashing full-speed the other way. And somehow, someway & somewhere you collide midpoint-ish and both of you are taken by surprise by how you’ve collided. And then it becomes easy. Because there is no measuring and calculating on where the midpoint is and when&how you’ll get there. But you just run.
- Newly wed or 30+years of marriage under your belt - they both can display a beautiful marriage. The beauty that unfolds with the newness of the covenant under God as well as the years of experience, sacrifice & pruning in deepening the oneness are both timelessly sacred. Time or cliches or today’s sweeping assumptions can be debunked by the Cho fam. Inquiries are welcome; skepticism, not.
- Happy wife happy marriage happy family. Precisely in that order (-;
“ my writings may seem lofty, my edits considered trendy, and reasons found cheesy. but still the message of it all is Jesus, the answer to it all is Jesus and the reasons is meant to be Jesus, the most important one. and i pray that at least something of mine and me points there. ”
Today, during worship God asked me, “am I worthy?”
This morning, before worship I expressed to a friend of my sheer exhaustion of my 7th year of fighting. Fighting the pain. Fighting the exhaustion and wanting to throw up my arms and say, “what the hey, I’m done.”
But today, God asked me, “Am I worthy? Am I worth it, Yoon?”
And I couldn’t help it. Before I could premeditate and think, measure & revisit the aforementioned emotional surge - my heart screamed yes.
You are worth fighting the good fight.
You are so, so, so worthy.
The best way to wrap up my 2012 with the best travel buddies I could ever ask for. Cheers to our biannual trips from here on out! Cheers to the conclusion of our conversation and our throwback singalongs and having the most supportive, loving, and real sisters with hearts of gold.